Bebé

 I don't even know how to explain how happy I am being a father. I never thought I'd get this far. It's like when you get a tool that makes you wonder how you functioned without it before it; or 8RAM to 32RAM. I don't know. I just can't imagine our life without him anymore or how we--Vilet and I--were happy (I know how we were happy, but this is so much more). 

From the beginning of having a torturous time watching the birth happen, to being scared during a C-section, and then just getting to hear his cry and hold him right there. I feel full of emotion just remembering. Those whole days and nights at the hospital, ordering room service and watching TV while we tried so hard to figure things out. And then getting home, wondering how they let two silly geese have a baby.

We were so excited with every single step. Him turning his head, reaching for toys, cooing, laughing, grabbing toys and actually holding on, actually playing. It just never ends, or it feels like it. And he's such a good baby, and Vilet is such a good mom.

[Not to side-track, but I remember my old best friend when she had her baby. Her husband told her how awful of a job she was doing, and I can't even imagine. Parents beat themselves up enough as it is, but the person who is supposed to be in this together with them doing it. I can't.]

I enjoy putting him to bed, or when he wakes up and just needs a snuggle. He koalas onto me and immediately goes to sleep. He makes me feel like I'm funny when he laughs at almost everything I do. And lately, just seeing how he looks at food and wants to slam his head into whatever we're eating.

I can definitely wait for the future. I don't wish for things to be different anymore. I just want to enjoy how life is now. I have a lil family.

 Also he's just so cute. Like what the heck. We can barely go outside without him getting a compliment.

 But it's been 6 months. I love him to pieces. He's the best. 

On Streaming

I posted about this a while ago on Bluesky, but I feel that there's so much to unpack. While streaming has given me an outlet and eased some discomfort regarding being perceived and simply heard in general, it's such a drain.

I've always wanted to be someone's number 2, their sidekick--not the one in the spotlight but the one shining it.

When I made a Discord group, it took so much mental energy to do it and I felt uncomfortable. I was doing more than I was already comfortable doing by streaming so much. Adding a discord group felt like there wasn't much separation or downtime between me being "on" and having a break even though my group was quiet. I felt a ton of guilt and relief disbanding it.

Back to actually streaming.

I have a hard time just getting people out of my space or keeping a boundary of rules for what I want my channel to be. I see streams like Karkalla, Leniasiren, and Lilialive and I envy their ability to keep their stance and remove people they don't want or stop dialog.

I get stuck in this semi-people pleasing mindset where I allow too much sometimes rather than stop it.

Also, the burnout is real. I never played games as much as I did last year and most of this year. The last time was as a teenager with Halo. I get so gamed out despite loving them, and I can't concentrate on gaming when I'm talking. This happens even in non story games when I play with Vilet. Not that skill is needed when streaming. I just can't get as immersed and struggle with silence in social settings--hence the bad jokes.

So yeah, it's been a learning experience. I would love to be confident enough to make clips without getting the ick from my own voice when I watch things back.

I do plan on posting on Tiktok to get my art out there because I do actually enjoy art streams (body allowing) when I can set them up.

Anyway. Thanks for reading! I'll be back soon enough.

MMOs

I've been watching Idyl and other YouTubers talk about MMOs and it really has me reminiscing and wanting a good, community centric MMO with a focus on getting players to connect.

To me, MMOs that I've played recently haven't been landing. I know gaming and social interactions have evolved so much since the 2000s but I feel like it's just so much harder to make friends in MMOs. Where you used to be dropped into slow progression worlds where nothing felt hurried--you were just living in this virtual space, and now it feels quick and streamlined.

I make this comparison a lot (and I like both games): Morrowind to Skyrim. In Morrowind, you have to get to know the world if you're going to get through the game. Quests are given (and you have to read a bunch) but you're not given a marker to guide your way. Despite it being a smaller map, it feels full. It feels like adventure. Skyrim is great but I can't remember much of it aside from: Stormcloaks vs Imperials; dragon shouts and draugr tombs. Both are good games but Morrowind brought me into its world. I want an MMO to do that.

I think that the closest to being sucked into a world was Astonia 3. Small population, no idea how big the game was, but that game was great. Close second was a game that I'm still trying to remember the name of. It might have been a random MMO but maybe not? 2D isometric medieval fantastic. Old. Lots of reading. It made me really curious as to what was out there because of leveled areas. Same with Runescape, Jade Dynasty and Dark Eden.

Maybe I haven't gone too far into games like Guild Wars 2 and FF14 to see the type of progression they truly have. I get too bored of the quest types to get far despite them being fun for a while.

Like I've mentioned it past posts, I just miss meeting new friends in games. Sea of Thieves was the last game I made friends in--back in 2018-19.

But hey, maybe it's a me-problem and not an issue with the games at all! I have a tendency to be anti-social that I'm trying to break.