On Streaming

I posted about this a while ago on Bluesky, but I feel that there's so much to unpack. While streaming has given me an outlet and eased some discomfort regarding being perceived and simply heard in general, it's such a drain.

I've always wanted to be someone's number 2, their sidekick--not the one in the spotlight but the one shining it.

When I made a Discord group, it took so much mental energy to do it and I felt uncomfortable. I was doing more than I was already comfortable doing by streaming so much. Adding a discord group felt like there wasn't much separation or downtime between me being "on" and having a break even though my group was quiet. I felt a ton of guilt and relief disbanding it.

Back to actually streaming.

I have a hard time just getting people out of my space or keeping a boundary of rules for what I want my channel to be. I see streams like Karkalla, Leniasiren, and Lilialive and I envy their ability to keep their stance and remove people they don't want or stop dialog.

I get stuck in this semi-people pleasing mindset where I allow too much sometimes rather than stop it.

Also, the burnout is real. I never played games as much as I did last year and most of this year. The last time was as a teenager with Halo. I get so gamed out despite loving them, and I can't concentrate on gaming when I'm talking. This happens even in non story games when I play with Vilet. Not that skill is needed when streaming. I just can't get as immersed and struggle with silence in social settings--hence the bad jokes.

So yeah, it's been a learning experience. I would love to be confident enough to make clips without getting the ick from my own voice when I watch things back.

I do plan on posting on Tiktok to get my art out there because I do actually enjoy art streams (body allowing) when I can set them up.

Anyway. Thanks for reading! I'll be back soon enough.