Maybe because it's almost 2am and I've been trying to get this baby to sleep but I miss all of you. From the friends I met online back in 2002 to the friends I made through Twitch in the 2020s, I remember the start and end of our times together and they play back like social failures in my mind.
I've taken a few steps back from letting people get close. I'm careful and weary. I even feel a little distrustful at time. In no way am I feeling like people are replaceable or that the people in my life right now are unwanted. Vilet always says my analogies are bad but in the most awful way--and it's relating to gaming--I feel like I want to play with my old games. The new games are fun and I enjoy them but my heart is still in the past. I want to spend time with those people. I want to have conversations that we didn't get to have. I want to apologize and I want to forgive. But like many of these old games, once you go back to try them you find you've outgrown them and they're maybe not what you remember or want anymore. Not in a way of betterment over them but that the chasm is too wide to meet in the middle, to meet where we're both at. There's a disconnect and I know that if I tried we'd have a week or less of conversations before moving back on with the lives we created post-friendship.
I miss them. I mourn their friendships. I wish I could go back and talk to them. A lot of them, i didn't get to tell them how much they meant to me. I didn't think I needed to because I thought they knew because I knew. But I kept that to myself for whatever reason. I loved and love you. You still mean something to me.
